Is it meant to be like this... forever?

well, here i am again.. after nearly 4 months AWOL. too many things happening during the period, sometimes i just forget to breath and enjoy life.

two of my very best friend got married last month. congratulations gals! i am so happy for you guys and i am sure both of you will be happy until the end with your soulmates. i pray the best for you gals and hope that your "partner in crime" will always take care of you coz you are soo special.

both of the ceremonious events make me wonder and ponder... about me, myself and I. is it fate that i am gonna stay like i am right now forever? will it actually happen to me? i totally believe in fate, jodoh, ajal & maut. but sometimes, by looking at me and looking around, it always made my mind total blank and black.

i m always sure of what i want in life & i go for it. but now, it was made clear to me that somehow i am unwanted in some people's life. how i know this? maybe words describing me uttered by specific person like sombong, bodoh, action, gedik, cibai, f***, perempuan ****, ..... and the list goes on. i know when people are angry, they say a lot of words. but to the one they say they love? i just don't get it. am i such a bad person? did i not do anything for you or sacrifice everything for you? for me, when you claim you love someone, you WILL NOT hurt them by saying bad things, even though you do not mean it. I never did that because I know how hurtful it can be even if you don't mean it.

sometimes i feel that i am always following orders. speak when you are spoken to, shut up when i say so, come and see me when i want to see you, i have no mood so nothing you can do can ease it... i don't understand it. i thought this was suppose to be a partnership, give & take and discuss. at least that was what i believe in.

i did not say that i am perfect person, hey i know there are better people out there. but, as a normal human being, i have rights not to be treated like garbage or addressed with hurtful words. it's easy equation, do you like if people calling & talk to you like that? how would you feel if someone else say mean things to you?

i never asked anything from you, just to love, care & treat me as the special one. i never ask you to change, just please not the hurtful words. i am begging for understanding here. you always made me feel being unwanted, bad and evil. i thought we should look after each other, not hurting each others with mean words...

i don't know.. i just don't know. as i said, i knew what i want since nearly 5 years ago. but just maybe, i am the one who is unwanted.