Job Description

i am feeling so depressed right now. don't you care, even the most little shred of care in your so called big heart? i really don't understand this situation. hey grow up, life sometimes suck, but that does not mean that you need to make others' life sucks too! i've been nothing but nice to you, but you just keep on pushing my buttons!

what am i to you? personal chauffer? personal paymaster? is that all? is that really all? or is that only all you want me to be? if so, please state my job desciption loud and clear so that i can decide whether to continue this job. frankly speaking, i hate my current job description, it sucks and one-sided - yours!

please gimme the patience i need to continue with my day. i know life sometimes sucks and difficult, but for me running away from it does not make it go away. stand up and be counted. face the facts, face the music.. now that's the meaning of being a normal human being!

Trying to be cruel

i am not cruel by nature, in fact far from it. but this evil that is putting my life on hold is unleashing an ugly and cruel side of me. i don't like it, but i had enough of this shit in my life. i could not stand it anymore.

it is sad, in fact it is very, very frustrating. i am at a point of going nowhere. i feel like i am driving into hard bricks everyday. the worst part is that somehow this will affect me elsewhere. you can call me whatever names you want to, but at this point of time - I LOVE MYSELF more. you can do what you want to do, you perfect being as you claim to be - but i am really confident that Allah will always be with me and protect me, Insya Allah.

hope i can get out of this very, very soon because this situation sucks! I have to do something about it, no more sitting around and being pushed around. please, gimme strength..

Insanity

It has been nearly one year since I wrote here. I don't know - laziness I guess. And now in the middle of everything, I feel strongly about writing. Maybe it is because the way I am feeling rite now..

Albert Einstein once said ~ Doing the same things and expecting different results is INSANITY. If that so, I am insane. haha. I just cannot stop punishing myself with letting the same person doing the same things to me, hurting me. I know, I am not perfect in any sense, BUT NEITHER ARE YOU. So, please do not act so angelic and tell me I am not perfect. If you can't accept me as I am, then why ooo why you still want me to stay put? Why dont you put me out of my misery and yours too? WHY??

I don't know, I am feeling very, very frustrated and tired. Yet, I know, it's all ME. I have to do something about it. But the heart is always intervening the logic in my head. It is too hard when you feel soo strong about something or somebody.

I feel like in I am in the dumps rite now and have no way to go. I am hanging onto a very thin line of thread, promises only through words. If I am that vein, if I am selfish, if I am too focus only on work, if I am that bad, then I am so not what you want, rite? There's nothing GOOD in me rite?

INSANITY - i guess i am that insane too let myself hanging to promises of something great, yet killing me inside along the way...