Job Description

i am feeling so depressed right now. don't you care, even the most little shred of care in your so called big heart? i really don't understand this situation. hey grow up, life sometimes suck, but that does not mean that you need to make others' life sucks too! i've been nothing but nice to you, but you just keep on pushing my buttons!

what am i to you? personal chauffer? personal paymaster? is that all? is that really all? or is that only all you want me to be? if so, please state my job desciption loud and clear so that i can decide whether to continue this job. frankly speaking, i hate my current job description, it sucks and one-sided - yours!

please gimme the patience i need to continue with my day. i know life sometimes sucks and difficult, but for me running away from it does not make it go away. stand up and be counted. face the facts, face the music.. now that's the meaning of being a normal human being!

Trying to be cruel

i am not cruel by nature, in fact far from it. but this evil that is putting my life on hold is unleashing an ugly and cruel side of me. i don't like it, but i had enough of this shit in my life. i could not stand it anymore.

it is sad, in fact it is very, very frustrating. i am at a point of going nowhere. i feel like i am driving into hard bricks everyday. the worst part is that somehow this will affect me elsewhere. you can call me whatever names you want to, but at this point of time - I LOVE MYSELF more. you can do what you want to do, you perfect being as you claim to be - but i am really confident that Allah will always be with me and protect me, Insya Allah.

hope i can get out of this very, very soon because this situation sucks! I have to do something about it, no more sitting around and being pushed around. please, gimme strength..

Insanity

It has been nearly one year since I wrote here. I don't know - laziness I guess. And now in the middle of everything, I feel strongly about writing. Maybe it is because the way I am feeling rite now..

Albert Einstein once said ~ Doing the same things and expecting different results is INSANITY. If that so, I am insane. haha. I just cannot stop punishing myself with letting the same person doing the same things to me, hurting me. I know, I am not perfect in any sense, BUT NEITHER ARE YOU. So, please do not act so angelic and tell me I am not perfect. If you can't accept me as I am, then why ooo why you still want me to stay put? Why dont you put me out of my misery and yours too? WHY??

I don't know, I am feeling very, very frustrated and tired. Yet, I know, it's all ME. I have to do something about it. But the heart is always intervening the logic in my head. It is too hard when you feel soo strong about something or somebody.

I feel like in I am in the dumps rite now and have no way to go. I am hanging onto a very thin line of thread, promises only through words. If I am that vein, if I am selfish, if I am too focus only on work, if I am that bad, then I am so not what you want, rite? There's nothing GOOD in me rite?

INSANITY - i guess i am that insane too let myself hanging to promises of something great, yet killing me inside along the way...

Nakhoda, Khalifah?

Nakhoda, Khalifah?

Khalifah, membimbing
Nakhoda, menunjuk arah
Khalifah, membawa ke jalan yang benar
Nakhoda, mengarahkan hala tuju

Serupa tapi tak sama
Hikmah jadi beza
Hikmah pengantara bijak dan emosi
Hikmah, alangkah indah?

I don't know anymore...

I am dumbfounded ~ it's hurting and I have no one to turn to. It's weird because I have people around me, yet it seemed nobody can really help me out in this time of need. I felt like screaming on top of my head, I did in my mind. I felt like I cannot breath anymore, like my chest is pulled out of its place ~ I am deeply wounded.

I was labeled a lot of things for the past few years when I started to feel so intensely about a particular person. I never thought I could love a person that much, but it did happened and I am still longing for that person. But it just cut my heart into pieces that this is happening & he is not listening to the ache that I am feeling. I did not know that I am such a bad person before that I am deserved the punishments that I have been put through. I thought I have put the best efforts that I can in making sure everything is as per what it should be. But, I still fell short.. god, the tears are running fast right now.. I can't think..

I am only a girl, wanting to be loved and cared ~ I never thought that when you love someone, you should tear them into pieces when you think that the person is not doing things as per what you want. I don't think that we should use love to get the what we want in life.

But then again, I am just a fool in love ~ and I've let my heart crush again and again and again.. I just don't know anymore...

I just don't get it..

I am so puzzled rite now. I never thought that by trying to say the right things with intentions of being nice could be interpreted otherwise. I was just trying to strike a conversation and relaying the message that "you are in someone's mind rite now. But magically, what I got is some nasty replies implying the opposites of my intentions. I just don't get it.

Another puzzle that add to my mind is that how could a small problem and big problem have the same impact of anger towards some people? It is that there is no room for errors? Is there no differentiation between magnitude of things? I just don't get it.

I don't know. I have been trying my level best. Yet, living under scrunity, I guess my level best is not always what is desired.

Why can't we just try our best to enjoy one of the best time that we ever had, be thankful to the Almighty and accept other people's shortcomings? Yes, because that is like "fairy tales" to some people.

Sepi, Sunyi Di Aidilfitri

It's kinda weird to feel this way during the Aidilfitri, where you are surrounded by your loved ones. But unfortunately, this is exactly how I am feeling right now. Well, when everybody else have their own "things" to do, it left me with nothing to do or talk to or apa2 lah. Hence, that feeling slowly crept inside me.

The thing about this feeling, it starts to make your brain to work, thinking about things you dont want to really think. (am i making sense??) other than that it also give you time to remember the bad things people or specifically a person said to you. The harsh words seemed so fresh in my mind - i cannot sleep yesterday. i dont know, up until now, i am still so forgiving for all the words thrown at me.

i dont know. i really dont know what will happen. one thing i know, whatever happens, these words will remain buried in my heart. maybe, one day some people will understand that you could not undo your words.

i just want to be happy with the people i love. i want a life that is blessed by Him. i pray to Him to show me the right path & to show others that this is not the right way to treat people.

hope tomorrow will be a better day & a happier one.