I am so puzzled rite now. I never thought that by trying to say the right things with intentions of being nice could be interpreted otherwise. I was just trying to strike a conversation and relaying the message that "you are in someone's mind rite now. But magically, what I got is some nasty replies implying the opposites of my intentions. I just don't get it.
Another puzzle that add to my mind is that how could a small problem and big problem have the same impact of anger towards some people? It is that there is no room for errors? Is there no differentiation between magnitude of things? I just don't get it.
I don't know. I have been trying my level best. Yet, living under scrunity, I guess my level best is not always what is desired.
Why can't we just try our best to enjoy one of the best time that we ever had, be thankful to the Almighty and accept other people's shortcomings? Yes, because that is like "fairy tales" to some people.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sepi, Sunyi Di Aidilfitri
It's kinda weird to feel this way during the Aidilfitri, where you are surrounded by your loved ones. But unfortunately, this is exactly how I am feeling right now. Well, when everybody else have their own "things" to do, it left me with nothing to do or talk to or apa2 lah. Hence, that feeling slowly crept inside me.
The thing about this feeling, it starts to make your brain to work, thinking about things you dont want to really think. (am i making sense??) other than that it also give you time to remember the bad things people or specifically a person said to you. The harsh words seemed so fresh in my mind - i cannot sleep yesterday. i dont know, up until now, i am still so forgiving for all the words thrown at me.
i dont know. i really dont know what will happen. one thing i know, whatever happens, these words will remain buried in my heart. maybe, one day some people will understand that you could not undo your words.
i just want to be happy with the people i love. i want a life that is blessed by Him. i pray to Him to show me the right path & to show others that this is not the right way to treat people.
hope tomorrow will be a better day & a happier one.
The thing about this feeling, it starts to make your brain to work, thinking about things you dont want to really think. (am i making sense??) other than that it also give you time to remember the bad things people or specifically a person said to you. The harsh words seemed so fresh in my mind - i cannot sleep yesterday. i dont know, up until now, i am still so forgiving for all the words thrown at me.
i dont know. i really dont know what will happen. one thing i know, whatever happens, these words will remain buried in my heart. maybe, one day some people will understand that you could not undo your words.
i just want to be happy with the people i love. i want a life that is blessed by Him. i pray to Him to show me the right path & to show others that this is not the right way to treat people.
hope tomorrow will be a better day & a happier one.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Salam Aidilfitri!
Sedar tak sedar, Aidilfitri menjelma lagi. Man, so fast! Tak sedar pun dah berpuasa hampir 30 hari dah. Mmg lah akhir zaman ni masa berlalu terlalu pantas, dan rugi lah manusia kecuali yg beramal soleh dan yg mengingatkan orang lain.
Today was quite a fun day in the office - the preraya event in the office. We gave presents to the winners of the card raya competition, the deko raya & best dressed. What brings tears to eyes is the salam-salaman. Masa ni lah rasa diri ni penuh kekhilafan antara manusia, dan harapannya agar segala dosa-dosa diampunkan.
Puasa tahun ni terlalu pantas. For me, one of the reason would be having to go to class 3 nights each week, and worrying about my project papers & assignments & presentations. Byk ibadah tambahan yg tak terlaksana, tak disempurna.. One of my biggest regrets, and I pray that Allah panjangkan umur untuk ketemu ragi Ramadhan di tahun depan. Byk juga life lessons yg dapat dipelajari. Last week, got the opportunity to meet family members that suffered from the security act. I mean, by listening to the stories, and yet seeing them so strong, I was touched and appreciate my love ones more. And I was one of the happy people when I heard the news of the release of their husbands. Allah Maha Besar, Maha Berkuasa. Allahuakbar!
Class - yeah now already in the 3rd month. I am progressing too slow in my research class. I am worried, but at the same time I am lazy too! hehehe. It's just that I get tired easily lately. It must be the lack of OR no exercise. Need to change my lifestyle laaa. But, people cakap that I have managed to throw away some pounds. I guess studying and working and other things really drained me out. But, I think I am getting better at it now than before.
Other things.. it has been ups and downs. Entah lah, I really don't know. Sometimes, it is TOO beautiful, and sometimes it is TOO hard and disheartening. At this point of time, I really pray hard for the best solutions. Allah knows best. People can decide to do what they want to do, and we cannot stop them. But, we can be a better person by reacting positively when facing adversities. Moga Allah melindungi kami sekeluarga and memakbulkan doa-doa kami.
Sempena Aidilfitri tahun ni, saya nak mohon ampun dan maaf kepada semua yg mengenali. kadangkala, kita tak sedar kesilapan dan kesalahan yg telah kita lakukan, dan hanya anda dapat memaafkan. Saya bukanlah insan yg sempurna, mmg selalu melakukan kesalahan. Moga Allah memberi petunjuk untuk menjadi orang yg lebih baik. Berhati-hati di jalan raya & semoga selamat semuanya.
Today was quite a fun day in the office - the preraya event in the office. We gave presents to the winners of the card raya competition, the deko raya & best dressed. What brings tears to eyes is the salam-salaman. Masa ni lah rasa diri ni penuh kekhilafan antara manusia, dan harapannya agar segala dosa-dosa diampunkan.
Puasa tahun ni terlalu pantas. For me, one of the reason would be having to go to class 3 nights each week, and worrying about my project papers & assignments & presentations. Byk ibadah tambahan yg tak terlaksana, tak disempurna.. One of my biggest regrets, and I pray that Allah panjangkan umur untuk ketemu ragi Ramadhan di tahun depan. Byk juga life lessons yg dapat dipelajari. Last week, got the opportunity to meet family members that suffered from the security act. I mean, by listening to the stories, and yet seeing them so strong, I was touched and appreciate my love ones more. And I was one of the happy people when I heard the news of the release of their husbands. Allah Maha Besar, Maha Berkuasa. Allahuakbar!
Class - yeah now already in the 3rd month. I am progressing too slow in my research class. I am worried, but at the same time I am lazy too! hehehe. It's just that I get tired easily lately. It must be the lack of OR no exercise. Need to change my lifestyle laaa. But, people cakap that I have managed to throw away some pounds. I guess studying and working and other things really drained me out. But, I think I am getting better at it now than before.
Other things.. it has been ups and downs. Entah lah, I really don't know. Sometimes, it is TOO beautiful, and sometimes it is TOO hard and disheartening. At this point of time, I really pray hard for the best solutions. Allah knows best. People can decide to do what they want to do, and we cannot stop them. But, we can be a better person by reacting positively when facing adversities. Moga Allah melindungi kami sekeluarga and memakbulkan doa-doa kami.
Sempena Aidilfitri tahun ni, saya nak mohon ampun dan maaf kepada semua yg mengenali. kadangkala, kita tak sedar kesilapan dan kesalahan yg telah kita lakukan, dan hanya anda dapat memaafkan. Saya bukanlah insan yg sempurna, mmg selalu melakukan kesalahan. Moga Allah memberi petunjuk untuk menjadi orang yg lebih baik. Berhati-hati di jalan raya & semoga selamat semuanya.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Is it meant to be like this... forever?
well, here i am again.. after nearly 4 months AWOL. too many things happening during the period, sometimes i just forget to breath and enjoy life.
two of my very best friend got married last month. congratulations gals! i am so happy for you guys and i am sure both of you will be happy until the end with your soulmates. i pray the best for you gals and hope that your "partner in crime" will always take care of you coz you are soo special.
both of the ceremonious events make me wonder and ponder... about me, myself and I. is it fate that i am gonna stay like i am right now forever? will it actually happen to me? i totally believe in fate, jodoh, ajal & maut. but sometimes, by looking at me and looking around, it always made my mind total blank and black.
i m always sure of what i want in life & i go for it. but now, it was made clear to me that somehow i am unwanted in some people's life. how i know this? maybe words describing me uttered by specific person like sombong, bodoh, action, gedik, cibai, f***, perempuan ****, ..... and the list goes on. i know when people are angry, they say a lot of words. but to the one they say they love? i just don't get it. am i such a bad person? did i not do anything for you or sacrifice everything for you? for me, when you claim you love someone, you WILL NOT hurt them by saying bad things, even though you do not mean it. I never did that because I know how hurtful it can be even if you don't mean it.
sometimes i feel that i am always following orders. speak when you are spoken to, shut up when i say so, come and see me when i want to see you, i have no mood so nothing you can do can ease it... i don't understand it. i thought this was suppose to be a partnership, give & take and discuss. at least that was what i believe in.
i did not say that i am perfect person, hey i know there are better people out there. but, as a normal human being, i have rights not to be treated like garbage or addressed with hurtful words. it's easy equation, do you like if people calling & talk to you like that? how would you feel if someone else say mean things to you?
i never asked anything from you, just to love, care & treat me as the special one. i never ask you to change, just please not the hurtful words. i am begging for understanding here. you always made me feel being unwanted, bad and evil. i thought we should look after each other, not hurting each others with mean words...
i don't know.. i just don't know. as i said, i knew what i want since nearly 5 years ago. but just maybe, i am the one who is unwanted.
two of my very best friend got married last month. congratulations gals! i am so happy for you guys and i am sure both of you will be happy until the end with your soulmates. i pray the best for you gals and hope that your "partner in crime" will always take care of you coz you are soo special.
both of the ceremonious events make me wonder and ponder... about me, myself and I. is it fate that i am gonna stay like i am right now forever? will it actually happen to me? i totally believe in fate, jodoh, ajal & maut. but sometimes, by looking at me and looking around, it always made my mind total blank and black.
i m always sure of what i want in life & i go for it. but now, it was made clear to me that somehow i am unwanted in some people's life. how i know this? maybe words describing me uttered by specific person like sombong, bodoh, action, gedik, cibai, f***, perempuan ****, ..... and the list goes on. i know when people are angry, they say a lot of words. but to the one they say they love? i just don't get it. am i such a bad person? did i not do anything for you or sacrifice everything for you? for me, when you claim you love someone, you WILL NOT hurt them by saying bad things, even though you do not mean it. I never did that because I know how hurtful it can be even if you don't mean it.
sometimes i feel that i am always following orders. speak when you are spoken to, shut up when i say so, come and see me when i want to see you, i have no mood so nothing you can do can ease it... i don't understand it. i thought this was suppose to be a partnership, give & take and discuss. at least that was what i believe in.
i did not say that i am perfect person, hey i know there are better people out there. but, as a normal human being, i have rights not to be treated like garbage or addressed with hurtful words. it's easy equation, do you like if people calling & talk to you like that? how would you feel if someone else say mean things to you?
i never asked anything from you, just to love, care & treat me as the special one. i never ask you to change, just please not the hurtful words. i am begging for understanding here. you always made me feel being unwanted, bad and evil. i thought we should look after each other, not hurting each others with mean words...
i don't know.. i just don't know. as i said, i knew what i want since nearly 5 years ago. but just maybe, i am the one who is unwanted.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Its all about ME. Always ME.
When we talk about relationship, we always talk about give and take, understand one another or try to fill in the other's shoes. But in reality, it does not work that way. "When I lose my mood, then everything should follow my way. No excuses, no apologies or no explanation accepted whatever it is. "
Wow, I am pretty impressed with myself after all these years. I just let people ripped my heart and then mend it myself. Nobody gives a damn how I feel after being treated that way. I know, I have make mistakes, I am not perfect. But the fact that you don't give any consideration of other people's misery or troubles but only yours, it just makes me feel worthless to you.
At the end of the day, I'll always fix myself, mend myself. It made me wonder, do you even care about me at all? Or convenience?
Wow, I am pretty impressed with myself after all these years. I just let people ripped my heart and then mend it myself. Nobody gives a damn how I feel after being treated that way. I know, I have make mistakes, I am not perfect. But the fact that you don't give any consideration of other people's misery or troubles but only yours, it just makes me feel worthless to you.
At the end of the day, I'll always fix myself, mend myself. It made me wonder, do you even care about me at all? Or convenience?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Support System
Hey all, or whoever who actually read my stuff... I guess the first sentence already shows that I am not in a good mood or condition or what ever you call it.
A lot of things had happen lately that make me wonder, "what the hell I am doing????". Truly, I don't have any answers for any questions that popped in my head. I tried and tried and tried, but the response that I get is soooooo demotivating and down right ripped my entire heart into pieces. I am talking about support system, which in this case - non-existant.
Is it just me that hoped that when you care about someone, you have to be the shoulder for them to cry on, not give them more crap? Why? What did I do to deserve this treatment? There were always NO sorries, NO thank yous, NO appreciate it. But I still try to cover the feelings that I have when it happened. But today, NO shoulder to cry on when I needed it the most? Come on, I am human being and I do have feelings. No shoulder is one thing, but to continue to make me feel crapier than before? That's just cruel. Plain cruel.
I don't know why. I've tried everything to make things better. I did everything I cud to make everything fine, comfortable and do whatever been asked of me, even did go extra miles to ensure things happen. At the end of the day, NONE is appreciated. Maybe I am just dead beat. I am too tired being ignored and not appreciated. I need my shoulder to cry on, why can't just you be that some times when I need it the most?
A lot of things had happen lately that make me wonder, "what the hell I am doing????". Truly, I don't have any answers for any questions that popped in my head. I tried and tried and tried, but the response that I get is soooooo demotivating and down right ripped my entire heart into pieces. I am talking about support system, which in this case - non-existant.
Is it just me that hoped that when you care about someone, you have to be the shoulder for them to cry on, not give them more crap? Why? What did I do to deserve this treatment? There were always NO sorries, NO thank yous, NO appreciate it. But I still try to cover the feelings that I have when it happened. But today, NO shoulder to cry on when I needed it the most? Come on, I am human being and I do have feelings. No shoulder is one thing, but to continue to make me feel crapier than before? That's just cruel. Plain cruel.
I don't know why. I've tried everything to make things better. I did everything I cud to make everything fine, comfortable and do whatever been asked of me, even did go extra miles to ensure things happen. At the end of the day, NONE is appreciated. Maybe I am just dead beat. I am too tired being ignored and not appreciated. I need my shoulder to cry on, why can't just you be that some times when I need it the most?
Thursday, February 05, 2009
It's always my fault...
Well, I don't know what am I suppose to feel right now. It's a mixture of emotions that run through my veins and also a lot of buzzing in my head. I really don't understand what is wrong with the current picture, but I definitely know that something is not right.
I always believe that nobody is perfect and everybody make mistakes in their life. That's why I always go for the positive side of people rather than dwelling on people's mistakes and disadvantages. Forgiveness is like a keyword in my life. Everybody deserves a chance to make things right. I believe that...
But when people decides that the best action to PUNISH mistakes are by doing back the same thing to the original person who made the mistakes, I'm totally lost in my thoughts. All things considered, I concluded that these are the things that you could not control:- what other people wants to do, what other people think & other people mindset, mentality & attitude towards some issues.
The bottom line is I am pretty frustrated and sad of what had happened. Hey, I am not perfect, I know that. But so are you. If other people can accept others' fault, why can't you? But, who am I to decide what you want out of your life. It's always gonna be my fault, I know. Because to you how I feel and what I say is no value to you. How unfortunate. Very unfortunate.
But I think I am managing this better than before. There are less than 10 days before I am given the opportunity of my life to visit one of the most magical place in the whole world. And that is more important that what I am feeling right now. If people does not care, Allah surely loves me to have given me this rezeki to go there. And that is more important than anything. So I am trying to take what had happened as part of the challenge Allah gives me to be more stronger and to give me more time to prepare myself before I am at His special place. I need to prepare myself, I need to strengthen my inner beliefs. May the visit and doa gives me strength and answers that I really need in order to continue my life journey. If you think that I am not good enuf or I am error-prone or I am not valuable and important in your life, it is ok. It's hurting me, but it is still OK. Because I always believe good things happen to good people and strongly belief Allah will always love His servants no matter what....
I always believe that nobody is perfect and everybody make mistakes in their life. That's why I always go for the positive side of people rather than dwelling on people's mistakes and disadvantages. Forgiveness is like a keyword in my life. Everybody deserves a chance to make things right. I believe that...
But when people decides that the best action to PUNISH mistakes are by doing back the same thing to the original person who made the mistakes, I'm totally lost in my thoughts. All things considered, I concluded that these are the things that you could not control:- what other people wants to do, what other people think & other people mindset, mentality & attitude towards some issues.
The bottom line is I am pretty frustrated and sad of what had happened. Hey, I am not perfect, I know that. But so are you. If other people can accept others' fault, why can't you? But, who am I to decide what you want out of your life. It's always gonna be my fault, I know. Because to you how I feel and what I say is no value to you. How unfortunate. Very unfortunate.
But I think I am managing this better than before. There are less than 10 days before I am given the opportunity of my life to visit one of the most magical place in the whole world. And that is more important that what I am feeling right now. If people does not care, Allah surely loves me to have given me this rezeki to go there. And that is more important than anything. So I am trying to take what had happened as part of the challenge Allah gives me to be more stronger and to give me more time to prepare myself before I am at His special place. I need to prepare myself, I need to strengthen my inner beliefs. May the visit and doa gives me strength and answers that I really need in order to continue my life journey. If you think that I am not good enuf or I am error-prone or I am not valuable and important in your life, it is ok. It's hurting me, but it is still OK. Because I always believe good things happen to good people and strongly belief Allah will always love His servants no matter what....
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Happy Happy 2009!
Hieya All... Time flies. We are already in the 5th day of 2009! Gosh, is that so.. which means I haven't been writing for about 3 months plus. Tsk, this laziness has got to stop.
Reviewing 2008 - It was not a bad year.. but lotsa things happened in 2008. Things that made me more mature and value life more. Big items.. I bought a house in 2008 and finally in december i got the keys. :) In 2008, I learn more and more about people around me and basically about myself.
Hopes for 2009 - Well, this year I want to be a much better person that previous year, especially a better servant to Allah swt. I have done a lot of misdeeds in the past, and I really hope that I will improve and be forgiven. This year, personally I want to start decorating my house, try to start back on my study plans and resolve my issues of heart. I really hope this is the year where everything will fall into place.. Ameen..
okeh, I've started my blog for 2009! This is a good start.
Reviewing 2008 - It was not a bad year.. but lotsa things happened in 2008. Things that made me more mature and value life more. Big items.. I bought a house in 2008 and finally in december i got the keys. :) In 2008, I learn more and more about people around me and basically about myself.
Hopes for 2009 - Well, this year I want to be a much better person that previous year, especially a better servant to Allah swt. I have done a lot of misdeeds in the past, and I really hope that I will improve and be forgiven. This year, personally I want to start decorating my house, try to start back on my study plans and resolve my issues of heart. I really hope this is the year where everything will fall into place.. Ameen..
okeh, I've started my blog for 2009! This is a good start.
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