Trying to be cruel

i am not cruel by nature, in fact far from it. but this evil that is putting my life on hold is unleashing an ugly and cruel side of me. i don't like it, but i had enough of this shit in my life. i could not stand it anymore.

it is sad, in fact it is very, very frustrating. i am at a point of going nowhere. i feel like i am driving into hard bricks everyday. the worst part is that somehow this will affect me elsewhere. you can call me whatever names you want to, but at this point of time - I LOVE MYSELF more. you can do what you want to do, you perfect being as you claim to be - but i am really confident that Allah will always be with me and protect me, Insya Allah.

hope i can get out of this very, very soon because this situation sucks! I have to do something about it, no more sitting around and being pushed around. please, gimme strength..

Insanity

It has been nearly one year since I wrote here. I don't know - laziness I guess. And now in the middle of everything, I feel strongly about writing. Maybe it is because the way I am feeling rite now..

Albert Einstein once said ~ Doing the same things and expecting different results is INSANITY. If that so, I am insane. haha. I just cannot stop punishing myself with letting the same person doing the same things to me, hurting me. I know, I am not perfect in any sense, BUT NEITHER ARE YOU. So, please do not act so angelic and tell me I am not perfect. If you can't accept me as I am, then why ooo why you still want me to stay put? Why dont you put me out of my misery and yours too? WHY??

I don't know, I am feeling very, very frustrated and tired. Yet, I know, it's all ME. I have to do something about it. But the heart is always intervening the logic in my head. It is too hard when you feel soo strong about something or somebody.

I feel like in I am in the dumps rite now and have no way to go. I am hanging onto a very thin line of thread, promises only through words. If I am that vein, if I am selfish, if I am too focus only on work, if I am that bad, then I am so not what you want, rite? There's nothing GOOD in me rite?

INSANITY - i guess i am that insane too let myself hanging to promises of something great, yet killing me inside along the way...

Nakhoda, Khalifah?

Nakhoda, Khalifah?

Khalifah, membimbing
Nakhoda, menunjuk arah
Khalifah, membawa ke jalan yang benar
Nakhoda, mengarahkan hala tuju

Serupa tapi tak sama
Hikmah jadi beza
Hikmah pengantara bijak dan emosi
Hikmah, alangkah indah?

I don't know anymore...

I am dumbfounded ~ it's hurting and I have no one to turn to. It's weird because I have people around me, yet it seemed nobody can really help me out in this time of need. I felt like screaming on top of my head, I did in my mind. I felt like I cannot breath anymore, like my chest is pulled out of its place ~ I am deeply wounded.

I was labeled a lot of things for the past few years when I started to feel so intensely about a particular person. I never thought I could love a person that much, but it did happened and I am still longing for that person. But it just cut my heart into pieces that this is happening & he is not listening to the ache that I am feeling. I did not know that I am such a bad person before that I am deserved the punishments that I have been put through. I thought I have put the best efforts that I can in making sure everything is as per what it should be. But, I still fell short.. god, the tears are running fast right now.. I can't think..

I am only a girl, wanting to be loved and cared ~ I never thought that when you love someone, you should tear them into pieces when you think that the person is not doing things as per what you want. I don't think that we should use love to get the what we want in life.

But then again, I am just a fool in love ~ and I've let my heart crush again and again and again.. I just don't know anymore...

I just don't get it..

I am so puzzled rite now. I never thought that by trying to say the right things with intentions of being nice could be interpreted otherwise. I was just trying to strike a conversation and relaying the message that "you are in someone's mind rite now. But magically, what I got is some nasty replies implying the opposites of my intentions. I just don't get it.

Another puzzle that add to my mind is that how could a small problem and big problem have the same impact of anger towards some people? It is that there is no room for errors? Is there no differentiation between magnitude of things? I just don't get it.

I don't know. I have been trying my level best. Yet, living under scrunity, I guess my level best is not always what is desired.

Why can't we just try our best to enjoy one of the best time that we ever had, be thankful to the Almighty and accept other people's shortcomings? Yes, because that is like "fairy tales" to some people.

Sepi, Sunyi Di Aidilfitri

It's kinda weird to feel this way during the Aidilfitri, where you are surrounded by your loved ones. But unfortunately, this is exactly how I am feeling right now. Well, when everybody else have their own "things" to do, it left me with nothing to do or talk to or apa2 lah. Hence, that feeling slowly crept inside me.

The thing about this feeling, it starts to make your brain to work, thinking about things you dont want to really think. (am i making sense??) other than that it also give you time to remember the bad things people or specifically a person said to you. The harsh words seemed so fresh in my mind - i cannot sleep yesterday. i dont know, up until now, i am still so forgiving for all the words thrown at me.

i dont know. i really dont know what will happen. one thing i know, whatever happens, these words will remain buried in my heart. maybe, one day some people will understand that you could not undo your words.

i just want to be happy with the people i love. i want a life that is blessed by Him. i pray to Him to show me the right path & to show others that this is not the right way to treat people.

hope tomorrow will be a better day & a happier one.

Salam Aidilfitri!

Sedar tak sedar, Aidilfitri menjelma lagi. Man, so fast! Tak sedar pun dah berpuasa hampir 30 hari dah. Mmg lah akhir zaman ni masa berlalu terlalu pantas, dan rugi lah manusia kecuali yg beramal soleh dan yg mengingatkan orang lain.

Today was quite a fun day in the office - the preraya event in the office. We gave presents to the winners of the card raya competition, the deko raya & best dressed. What brings tears to eyes is the salam-salaman. Masa ni lah rasa diri ni penuh kekhilafan antara manusia, dan harapannya agar segala dosa-dosa diampunkan.

Puasa tahun ni terlalu pantas. For me, one of the reason would be having to go to class 3 nights each week, and worrying about my project papers & assignments & presentations. Byk ibadah tambahan yg tak terlaksana, tak disempurna.. One of my biggest regrets, and I pray that Allah panjangkan umur untuk ketemu ragi Ramadhan di tahun depan. Byk juga life lessons yg dapat dipelajari. Last week, got the opportunity to meet family members that suffered from the security act. I mean, by listening to the stories, and yet seeing them so strong, I was touched and appreciate my love ones more. And I was one of the happy people when I heard the news of the release of their husbands. Allah Maha Besar, Maha Berkuasa. Allahuakbar!

Class - yeah now already in the 3rd month. I am progressing too slow in my research class. I am worried, but at the same time I am lazy too! hehehe. It's just that I get tired easily lately. It must be the lack of OR no exercise. Need to change my lifestyle laaa. But, people cakap that I have managed to throw away some pounds. I guess studying and working and other things really drained me out. But, I think I am getting better at it now than before.

Other things.. it has been ups and downs. Entah lah, I really don't know. Sometimes, it is TOO beautiful, and sometimes it is TOO hard and disheartening. At this point of time, I really pray hard for the best solutions. Allah knows best. People can decide to do what they want to do, and we cannot stop them. But, we can be a better person by reacting positively when facing adversities. Moga Allah melindungi kami sekeluarga and memakbulkan doa-doa kami.

Sempena Aidilfitri tahun ni, saya nak mohon ampun dan maaf kepada semua yg mengenali. kadangkala, kita tak sedar kesilapan dan kesalahan yg telah kita lakukan, dan hanya anda dapat memaafkan. Saya bukanlah insan yg sempurna, mmg selalu melakukan kesalahan. Moga Allah memberi petunjuk untuk menjadi orang yg lebih baik. Berhati-hati di jalan raya & semoga selamat semuanya.

Is it meant to be like this... forever?

well, here i am again.. after nearly 4 months AWOL. too many things happening during the period, sometimes i just forget to breath and enjoy life.

two of my very best friend got married last month. congratulations gals! i am so happy for you guys and i am sure both of you will be happy until the end with your soulmates. i pray the best for you gals and hope that your "partner in crime" will always take care of you coz you are soo special.

both of the ceremonious events make me wonder and ponder... about me, myself and I. is it fate that i am gonna stay like i am right now forever? will it actually happen to me? i totally believe in fate, jodoh, ajal & maut. but sometimes, by looking at me and looking around, it always made my mind total blank and black.

i m always sure of what i want in life & i go for it. but now, it was made clear to me that somehow i am unwanted in some people's life. how i know this? maybe words describing me uttered by specific person like sombong, bodoh, action, gedik, cibai, f***, perempuan ****, ..... and the list goes on. i know when people are angry, they say a lot of words. but to the one they say they love? i just don't get it. am i such a bad person? did i not do anything for you or sacrifice everything for you? for me, when you claim you love someone, you WILL NOT hurt them by saying bad things, even though you do not mean it. I never did that because I know how hurtful it can be even if you don't mean it.

sometimes i feel that i am always following orders. speak when you are spoken to, shut up when i say so, come and see me when i want to see you, i have no mood so nothing you can do can ease it... i don't understand it. i thought this was suppose to be a partnership, give & take and discuss. at least that was what i believe in.

i did not say that i am perfect person, hey i know there are better people out there. but, as a normal human being, i have rights not to be treated like garbage or addressed with hurtful words. it's easy equation, do you like if people calling & talk to you like that? how would you feel if someone else say mean things to you?

i never asked anything from you, just to love, care & treat me as the special one. i never ask you to change, just please not the hurtful words. i am begging for understanding here. you always made me feel being unwanted, bad and evil. i thought we should look after each other, not hurting each others with mean words...

i don't know.. i just don't know. as i said, i knew what i want since nearly 5 years ago. but just maybe, i am the one who is unwanted.

Its all about ME. Always ME.

When we talk about relationship, we always talk about give and take, understand one another or try to fill in the other's shoes. But in reality, it does not work that way. "When I lose my mood, then everything should follow my way. No excuses, no apologies or no explanation accepted whatever it is. "

Wow, I am pretty impressed with myself after all these years. I just let people ripped my heart and then mend it myself. Nobody gives a damn how I feel after being treated that way. I know, I have make mistakes, I am not perfect. But the fact that you don't give any consideration of other people's misery or troubles but only yours, it just makes me feel worthless to you.

At the end of the day, I'll always fix myself, mend myself. It made me wonder, do you even care about me at all? Or convenience?

Support System

Hey all, or whoever who actually read my stuff... I guess the first sentence already shows that I am not in a good mood or condition or what ever you call it.

A lot of things had happen lately that make me wonder, "what the hell I am doing????". Truly, I don't have any answers for any questions that popped in my head. I tried and tried and tried, but the response that I get is soooooo demotivating and down right ripped my entire heart into pieces. I am talking about support system, which in this case - non-existant.

Is it just me that hoped that when you care about someone, you have to be the shoulder for them to cry on, not give them more crap? Why? What did I do to deserve this treatment? There were always NO sorries, NO thank yous, NO appreciate it. But I still try to cover the feelings that I have when it happened. But today, NO shoulder to cry on when I needed it the most? Come on, I am human being and I do have feelings. No shoulder is one thing, but to continue to make me feel crapier than before? That's just cruel. Plain cruel.

I don't know why. I've tried everything to make things better. I did everything I cud to make everything fine, comfortable and do whatever been asked of me, even did go extra miles to ensure things happen. At the end of the day, NONE is appreciated. Maybe I am just dead beat. I am too tired being ignored and not appreciated. I need my shoulder to cry on, why can't just you be that some times when I need it the most?

It's always my fault...

Well, I don't know what am I suppose to feel right now. It's a mixture of emotions that run through my veins and also a lot of buzzing in my head. I really don't understand what is wrong with the current picture, but I definitely know that something is not right.

I always believe that nobody is perfect and everybody make mistakes in their life. That's why I always go for the positive side of people rather than dwelling on people's mistakes and disadvantages. Forgiveness is like a keyword in my life. Everybody deserves a chance to make things right. I believe that...

But when people decides that the best action to PUNISH mistakes are by doing back the same thing to the original person who made the mistakes, I'm totally lost in my thoughts. All things considered, I concluded that these are the things that you could not control:- what other people wants to do, what other people think & other people mindset, mentality & attitude towards some issues.

The bottom line is I am pretty frustrated and sad of what had happened. Hey, I am not perfect, I know that. But so are you. If other people can accept others' fault, why can't you? But, who am I to decide what you want out of your life. It's always gonna be my fault, I know. Because to you how I feel and what I say is no value to you. How unfortunate. Very unfortunate.

But I think I am managing this better than before. There are less than 10 days before I am given the opportunity of my life to visit one of the most magical place in the whole world. And that is more important that what I am feeling right now. If people does not care, Allah surely loves me to have given me this rezeki to go there. And that is more important than anything. So I am trying to take what had happened as part of the challenge Allah gives me to be more stronger and to give me more time to prepare myself before I am at His special place. I need to prepare myself, I need to strengthen my inner beliefs. May the visit and doa gives me strength and answers that I really need in order to continue my life journey. If you think that I am not good enuf or I am error-prone or I am not valuable and important in your life, it is ok. It's hurting me, but it is still OK. Because I always believe good things happen to good people and strongly belief Allah will always love His servants no matter what....

Managing Customer Service

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Happy Happy 2009!

Hieya All... Time flies. We are already in the 5th day of 2009! Gosh, is that so.. which means I haven't been writing for about 3 months plus. Tsk, this laziness has got to stop.

Reviewing 2008 - It was not a bad year.. but lotsa things happened in 2008. Things that made me more mature and value life more. Big items.. I bought a house in 2008 and finally in december i got the keys. :) In 2008, I learn more and more about people around me and basically about myself.

Hopes for 2009 - Well, this year I want to be a much better person that previous year, especially a better servant to Allah swt. I have done a lot of misdeeds in the past, and I really hope that I will improve and be forgiven. This year, personally I want to start decorating my house, try to start back on my study plans and resolve my issues of heart. I really hope this is the year where everything will fall into place.. Ameen..

okeh, I've started my blog for 2009! This is a good start.

It's Monday Morning

How should I start? Where should I start? I don't even know how I am currently feeling. It's just that there is this big throbbing pain in my chest. It's like something is not right and I am out of my wits to solve it.

I thought things should smooth sail from the last time. It was suppose to be easier when things are said and discussed. But why do I feel it is not? It's like the weight of the world is upon me, and I am not allowed to do mistakes. Not Allowed, no room for discussion, end of story. Hey, I am not saying I am an angel, but a little bit of understanding and coaching would helped better.

Last two weeks was great, I was very very happy like I never felt before. I felt like the pricess in the fairy tales that I used to worship. I did not expect that I cud feel that happy before. Alhamdulillah, I did. Sometimes I thought, was dis a dream? And kept remind myself that it is not. I was genuinely happy and grateful to Allah for giving me the opportunity to feel like this.

Maybe, the fact that I am feeling that the happiness slipping away made me feel like this now. I am just hoping and praying hard that it is not true, it is just a blip. A small blip kamy, the happy thots and feelings will come back.. I hope coz I can't bear feeling like this. If I am the source of the blip, I wish I could turn back time and make it better. If only...

9 Ramadhan.. Time flies..

How time flies, it is already the 9th day of Ramadhan... Banyak lagi yg tak terbuat in terms of amal ibadah. Today went to Ceramah Ramadhan. Ustaz Dasuki was the speaker. The thing is the gist was simple - about sahur, puasa, berbuka puasa & tarawikh. But it made me realize I am so far from fulfilling the perfect score of Ramadhan. As he said, two things to be taken care: taking care of the physical puasa & taking care of the Pahala Puasa. There's this one part where he sang the zikir, it was so touching and hit me in the heart, my eyes was filled with water. I really do hope to be a better person after getting out of the Ramadhan Academy.

Hem. I gotta go. Will update later.

It has been 7 months, 16 days since I last blog..

Well, it has been that long. A lot had happened in my life since then. Too many I guess coz I don't know where to start. Ada orang siap kutuk2 dah pasal blog yang tak berjalan nieh..:) so I guess, I'll just fastforward my life and share key highlites - haha, cam la glamer sangat.

Work - Still working at the same department & division in Proton Edar. Guess if you ask my family, they would not be able to tell what is my current job is. I am actually managing a department - Customer Satisfaction Index & Customer Database. So, in a nutshell, what we do is gauging customer satisfaction for our product, sales outlets & service outlets, retention activities with customers and looking after customer database & CIC system that is currently being used in our call center. Well, work is OK, I guess. I am currently enjoying what I do and the group of people in my team is great! My team just expanded - to 14 pax now. I am still adjusting to the bigger number and still trying to find the best formula to manage and coach the team. Mid year review is coming up end of this month - hopefully everything is on track. Ameen...

New office laptop - still under work. Got a new one after 5 years. Was difficult to say good bye to the DELL.

Holidays - Hem, this year I have been managing my Annual Leave better. Few more days from 2007 to be utilized! Last July went to Manila with my folks & sister. It was a fun trip and made me appreciate my country more and more and more. Lain-lain tuh jalan-jalan biasa ajer la. Last month took 3 days leave yang betul2 leave, sbb tak datang office. Heh.

The big 3-0! - Yeah guys, crossed the 3-0 line last two weeks. What I wished for? To still achieve few goals in life yang belum achieve.... and of course to be a better person and better hamba-Nya. Ni akan bukak tajuk spesel Big 3-0! hehe. Yang menarik tahun ni, sambut the birthday with my 1 year old nephew, so orang yg datang tuh terpaksa bawak adiah for the mak long also.. hahaha. nice trick anyway, can still do that for another 10 years or so, kan hariz??

New hobbies - Start taking kick-boxing classes and found that I love it. Actually it is part of my regime to lose weight. Ouch, losing weight is part of my target for the last 4 months of this year. All the stress has made me heavier, ouch! Blame it on the stress hahaha.

New challenge (stories of the heart) - for the past 3-4 days, something had happened that impacted me so. I am still in awe or disbelief or anything in the same meaning of those words. But, one thing is for sure, I have to decide the best thing for myself and everyone too. Insya Allah.. this challenge will pass in the best way it could. I am praying hard for it.

Will blog again soon.. I hope.

I've been waiting, and waiting....and hungry too...

Hey guys. I am still in the office and feeling so damn hungry rite now. I think I am being punished rite now. Lapar....

Happy New Year 1428H

1 Muharram Detik Permulaan, Perkiraan tahun Islam Hijrah, Perpindahan Nabi dan umat Islam, Dari kota Mekah ke kota Madinah.... I luv this nasyid. Sorry peeps for keeping quiet and keeping low profile. Times are crazy right now and my life is full of everything and anything. Haha.

In office rite now. Trying to get some senses and finish my work, yg dah overflowing. I got this big event coming up and the heat is on me, as the event manager. So, today yg cuti ni, got to make this pit stop in office to finish non-event related items due to be submitted tomorrow. Argghhh.. penat betul.

2008 & 1428H ... tahun masihi dan hijrah yg baru. I guess a lot of people start doing their azam tahun baru and all, rite? Actually, I wanted to write my 2007 post-mortem... tapi rasa cam blocked lak, maybe in other post kot.. So let see what i wish i cud achieve this year:-

1. Insan & hamba Allah yang cemerlang dalam sahsiah, akhlak, pengabdian, ibadahnya
2. To further excel in my career
3. To excel in my relationship and wish for happy endings...
4. Sambung PHD....
5. To give more to people
6. BETTER PERSON, LOVE, NO HATE

So far, I've started 'mengajar' few of my colleagues in Basic English. I really salute their effort to improve themselves. Not that I am damn good in English, I just hope it will help others. It did helped me too so far! I did not know I can teach. Hehehe. So far after 2 classes, so good.

Today, I went to look-look at this potential house of mine. Hehe, berangan. Went wif my special someone at Alam Budiman. The house is great, bit far though. But, I think I am interested. So far ada good indicator from Pa & Ma. Hope this one also materialized.

Ok geng, the weather look like raining. I am going to complete this last conversation and head home.

Lastly, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

No title

I am still thinking what to write. Have been writing and deleting and staring the posting section for quite some time...... HELP!

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Sorry Forrest Gump, I just gotta quote you. Sorry guys, I know it has been a while in this see-saw life of mine. Lotsa things happenned during this past half month; work, open house, Bangkok trip, roller-coster emotional ride.. sigh!

Sometimes I feel so mundane at work. There are lot of things to be done, but little motivation to complete them. I dunno why, but maybe my EQ's strength is running thin lately. It's got to be influenced with my crappy emotional ride lately. It is really affecting me mentally and also successfully trying to ruin my body functions and health too.. Phew.. that's worrying rite?

We had our open house on the 28th October. It was very joyous and meriah event. Lots of people came. Thanks friends..:). That day was a sweet day for me too and very memorable. The food tak cukup.. imagine that. Adik and Aliff had to purchase food outside to cater to the invitees who came later in the evening. At the end of the day, I was damn tired! But I had fun as always.

I just got back from my 3 days trip to Bangkok. Actually, I tumpang my dad's conference thingy there. Saved bucks for accomodation. It was a totally shopping trip. I am proud of myself coz I managed to plan my money accordingly. My dad was kind enough to sponsor 1/2 for a new suit for me. Thanks Pa. The most amazing thing is that me and mama walked a lot there! Thank god for the gym sessions, it really gave me energy and stamina. Another new adventure was the 1 hour whole body Thai massage. Fuh, mmg gempak to actually experience my tangan and kaki lipat into half! hehehe.. it was nice and supposedly improve my blood circulation.

I don't think I have had a proper and nice rest since the open house. Feeling tired lately and sleep deprived. It's kind of hard to get a proper night sleep lately. I hope this is a temporary thing or phase of my life coz I really need to be happy, healthy and chirpy. hahaha..

Roller-coaster emotional ride of mine.. What to write aaa? Ntah la, I guess I'm not in a healthy emotional state right now as a results of some sequence of events. It feels like, I have tried and tried and tried very very hard to satisfy and make some people happy, yet, NADDAAAA.. no use. I have given EVERYTHING within my control, but it seemed that that is just NOT GOOD enough for some people. Maybe I am just not good enough for them. I know that I am not a perfect person, but hey, who is? For me, we just got to face everyday with our best effort, work hard, play hard and pray even harder. Nobody is perfect, we got to accept people as they are. I think I did, but somehow along the line people did not. Life is fun and happy when we tolerate each other and forget and forgive. Tak pe lah, I just hope and pray, that what ever that other people decide to do or treat people, it will give them happiness and joy as they wanted it. As for me, I just have to learn to accept things, to mend my broken spirit and entertain myself so that I can continue my days not feeling angry or sad. My feelings not important to some people, only theirs are.

Now. sitting in front of my notebook and updating this. Feeling rite now? Sleepy, tired, sad, confused. Listening to Anuar Zain. What am I babling about??? Heheh.. sorry folks, I am just feeling crappy. Ok lah, got tonnes of work to do, and still wondering how to start.

Have a nice day people!